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Most companies require their new staff to undergo a medical examination prior to confirming their hire. My current company is no different in that sense, except for the fact that I did mine after starting work. I’ve been three weeks with this company and just returned from a visit to the clinic across the street to get the formalities over and done with.

“Medical examinations are so kinky”
- gbyeow after a med checkup -

Draw your own conclussions. There are several steps to a full medical checkup. The order and the types of tests may differ depending on your company’s requirements, the clinic you go to, and the doctor doing the checkup. However, there are several mainstay tests that are sufficient to illustrate my point about it being kinky.

X-Ray
Since it takes a while to develope the X-Ray, it is usually done first. I was dozing off when I heard my name called. The lady led me to the back of the clinic. I initially thought that I was going to see the doctor until I noticed the machines. I was actually kind of surprised that they have it in-house. X-Ray machines are not cheap to maintain and clinics normally partner with a specialist.

At any rate, the first thing the lady said to me while we were in the room was, “I need you to take of your shirt”. I like forward women but in some countries, that’s called sexual harassment. She left to collect the X-Ray plate and I obediently did a casual striptease for the photoshoot. The place is cold so I left the shirt hanging by the shoulders. The first thing she said to me on her return was, “Shirt, off”. Yep, no fooling around there. She wanted me topless, no buts, ifs, or maybes.

That’s the thing with X-Rays. It is not gender biased. Whether you’re male or female, the technician’s gonna want you to pose topless for them. So topless I was, hugging some contraption, chest and shoulders flat against the plate. Argue all you want but there’s something strangely erotic about being half naked in a room full of equipment, while a woman takes pictures of your bare chest. The cold surface will give you goose bumps and cause your nipples to stick out sore. To be sure, I threw on my shirt to avoid poking someone’s eyes out.

Peeing into a cup
Okay, so there’s really nothing strange about the process itself. However, its really twisted knowing that someone in some lab somewhere is interested in playing with your body fluits. Fluids that you’ve just expelled from your <guys and girls, insert your own favourite word> no less. I think this one requires no further elaboration. Less is more… more or less.

Doctor in da house
Think of it as a video game. Its only after you’ve passed all the other obstacles and get to the end of the stage that you get to meet the big boss. In my case, it was a lady boss. After exchanging pleasantries, I sat down and asked the big question that’s always been on my mind.

“Doc, am I going to die?”

She laughed mockingly and proceeded to run a battery of tests. Blood pressure and pulse, ears, nose and throat, eyes, reflexes, lungs, yada yada. Have you ever wondered why these tests invariably involves some form of physical contact, poking of orifices with dangerous looking doohickeys, and/or close proximity? I wonder why they don’t still practice those red-thread-pulse-taking-diagnosis that you see so often in Chinese costumed dramas.

Instead, they feel you up while checking your breathing, rub your tummy and get incredibly close to your underwear while inspecting your bowel, get uncomfortably close face to face while peering into your eyeballs, and so on so forth. The eyeball thing was particularly disconcerting as she had her face close enough that I could smell what she had for breakfast. Eggs, toast, and milk… healthy, in a twisted doctor sort of way.

Conclussion
Well, the good news is, I’m not going to die. While boredering on obesity (according to that nifty spinning weight/height chart they have), I’ll manage a long and prosperous life so long as I eat healthy, exercise, and watch my weight (I’ve been watching it… why do you think it hasn’t gotten itself lost yet?).

The bad news is that they are going to send my urine sample for a tox screen. I just know that the Mocha Ice Coffee I had yesterday is going to screw things up for me…

So yeah… tell me it ain’t kinky. Don’t take my word for it though. Go do a medical checkup and find out for yourself.